no longer an exclusively vicarious one.

Wednesday, March 16, 2005

the sister.

like, as in the title of a horror film. imagine shrill screeching violins and a crescendo of organ music accompanied by the bom-bom-bom thudding percussion of, say, a timpany.

the words roll up the screen, a-la star wars:
a long time ago in a bedroom that i wish was far, far away...
It is a period of civil war. Rebel fighters, striking from a hidden base (read: my bedroom), have won their first victory against the evil Galactic Empire (read: well, guess...).
During the battle, Rebel spies managed to steal secret plans to the Empire's ultimate weapon, the Death Star, an armored space station with enough power to destroy an entire planet.

hm. instead of "an entire planet" maybe i should put...my entire life?.
yes. star wars metaphor.
ah. the joys of being slightly geeky.

the point is this:
my.
sister.
is.
insane.

yup yup. she is totally fahrbot. she runs around the house screaming at the top of her lungs, whinges about how its not fair that she never gets *anything*.... screaming about how she is so cool but we're holding her back from being *really* cool and talking constantly on the phone to people i only hope are simply nerdy techies.
oh such fun living in my house.

prime example #1:

the blurb: that new-fangled piece of hastily assembled plastic and LCD tht goes by the very chic, very modern name of "ipod" is distributed to the common commercial market.

Scene 1. at home.
darth yonny: mum i want an ipod. my life is over without it!!!!. (emphasis on the exclamation marks)
mum: how much?
darth yonny: [some ridiculously big amount]!!!!!!!!
mum: err....no.
darth yonny falls to the floor and trembles in anger. when everyone just ignores her she gets up, stomps away and locks herself in the computer room with the door slamming shut. she realises it wasnt quite loud enough, so she opens it and slams it shut again, more loudly, under the pretence that it didnt close properly the first time.

Scene 2: at someone else's house.
darth yonny and a miscellaneous and badly cast *friend* are talking surreptitiously in a corner, however their voices are raised just enough so that everybody in the entire neighbourhood can hear what they are saying.
darth yonny: yeh. omigod. yuleh. like, and like and yeh. (etc. you get the idea)
friend: i know...
darth yonny: what-ever i said to him if he was gonna be so mean to me...
friend: hmmm..
darth yonny: anyway (raising voice) i think its so mean that i cant get an ipod, theyre not that expensive.
parents look over and sigh.
darth yonny: yeh dad youre so mean this is the only thing ive asked for this week ever. and you cant even get it for me. everyone has one and they are soooooo cool and there are lots of pretty colours like...white. i want one otherwise im just going to die.
silently everyone wonders why she just doesnt keel over already.

Scene 3. at home.
after much nagging, whinging, sulking and emotional blackmail, (i will call it "the force" with a lower case "f"), darth yonny uses her evil and twisted powers to achieve her own ends.
the blonde friend: where does the cold air in an aircon come from?
darth yonny: o-hahaha. joke!
the blonde friend: no. really. how does it blow out cold air?
darth yonny: oh. theres a little doodad in the machine that makes the air cold then it comes out again.
the blond friend: o-kay... so then where does the cold air in a fan come from?
everybody: [nervous laughter].. a joke!
the blonde friend: no really. i mean, theres no machine like in the aircon. how does it make cold air?
darth yonny: ever been on a rollercoaster? when the air is moving really fast past your face? yeah thats the same like in a fan.
the blonde friend: but that doesnt happen on hot days....
darth yonny: .
the blonde friend: anyway. so my mum is getting me a new ipod so i dont really want my old one cos the battery is slightly dodge. you want it?
darth yonny: yes!
the blonde friend: o-kay. here you go.

so now the evil sis master has the ultimate in high-technology powered machinery.
things are o-kay for about 3 days. then in a move so stupid as to adequately defy belief, it begins again, for the evil ways of the force and the hunger of greed can never be sated.

scene 4. at the dinner table at home.
darth yonny: yuleh. i want an ipod mini.
the chorus: how much? (beat) no.
darth yonny: fine then.
the chorus: (looks up very surprised)
darth yonny: i want a creative 10 gazillion (or equivalent number) gig memory mp3 slash ipod wannabe hand held doodad.
the chorus: (looks up in disbelief, hands falling off the sides of the table, slowly losing grip of reality. the tinkling of falling cutlery can be heard) NOOOOO!!! its not true! its impossible!!

and so the mighty but evil power of the force once again takes hold of the universe, dooming it to a future of opression, violence and servitude on the threat of physical pain.

get it now?

wakes.

3 Comments:

Blogger johanna said...

GEEE! WHY ARE YOU SO MEAN! ASIF I WRITE MEAN STUFF LIKE THAT!!!!! NO NEED FOR THE EXAGGERATION!!!! FARRROUT YULEH :@
and ps. i dont talk to nerdy techies.. unless you count genevieve as a "nerdy techie"

March 17, 2005 4:03 pm

 
Blogger natbat kersplat said...

She sounds a lot like my sister... I'd almost offer to swap, only I've met yours, so the illusion that she might be any less painful than mine is ruined.

March 22, 2005 4:19 pm

 
Blogger natbat kersplat said...

...

I just visited your sister's blog, for no other reason than to put off studying for Japanese.

I think I just lost several IQ points. And I didn't even finish the top post. *goes off to drown self*

March 22, 2005 4:24 pm

 

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